Well… Hello there, true believer… I suppose it’s time to return to my weekly exercise in blogging. I wish I had something really profound to hit you with in the brain box. Something aligned with something spectacular like the first time an Apollo mission reemerged into earthly, communicative reach from the mysterious dark and far side of the moon. But alas I do not have something so admirable for us today.
When I last left off I had expressed some anxiety over the condition of Violet, my yet born daughter’s development. We had been notified that a “soft marker” had been identified in her first ultrasounds and spent about two weeks flipping out in silent, segmented chaotic realizations that we are NOT in control, have NEVER been in control, and will never BE in control- and we just have to learn to get used to the facts and appreciate each other and what we DO have. Because otherwise it’s just going to get worse and we don’t have one damn thing to look forward to EVER in our self important lives. So… that’s a lot to take in, and impossible to do in one go. Violet’s condition, whatever it may be, only highlights that fact and is just the tip of an immense iceberg of uncomfortable truth. Any expectations or hopes we may have are just an over publicized ocean liner dumbly churning through a dark and frigid sea of human condition. Just waiting to have it’s belly opened and contents dumped, wailing intentions in the night and into the frozen lonely abyss without so much as an echo. And with any luck, after you are swallowed by the earth and your lofty hopes are forgotten and rendered irrelevant to the living, MAYBE someday someone will at least know just what the hell happened.
I think I’ve been out in the cold just a little too long, because I feel a bit numb to report to you that the doctor gave her a 98% chance of being perfectly perfect. When I learned that, I knew enough and was aware enough to be relieved. and I WAS relieved. But honestly I haven’t really had much of a chance to FEEL relieved. In all honesty, I’m just as stressed out and frustrated as before… and not at much liberty to discuss… maybe I’m still on the dark side of the moon after all… waiting to emerge into some light to be admired and communicate with my home.