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New Years Radioactive Russian Bore-Man

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I would first like to start out by saying that I should be posting and writing more. A lot has happened since I last posted anything which creates a huge amount of things to reflect on and unfortunately I’m sure even more gets lost through the cracks of memory. In spite of that I hope and intend to post with more frequency in the coming year.

Most of the time my writing (when it’s actually practiced) has been devoted to two things: Documenting a portion of my life as a father, and a creative writing project involving a radioactive Russian boar-man. For the moment, I feel the need to do the daddy thing.

It’s a new year now and a lot has changed. I am still an art teacher at an inner city high school. I still have no clue what I’m doing but I’m trying more to relax about that fact. Leading up to the break I was getting so stressed out and tired, that it all kind of bit me in the ass. I guess I just need to realize that even if I’m prepared I’m not going to feel prepared and work isn’t going to go away, or change.

Over the holiday break I had a chance to apply a bit of a third person perspective to things. I saw that much of 2014 and 2013 caused me to obsess over general preparation. The last two years have been some BIG years for me. Got married. Bought a car. Bought a house. Became a dad. Started a new career.  Bought another car. All while trying to get my shit together for adulthood after the fact… Yeah, there have been some bumps. Plenty of which were my own damn fault. But the idea of preparation has been weighing heavy on me for a while. Especially when I look at my beautiful daughter. Sometimes my heart just breaks when I look at her. I feel this gnawing guilt and worry that I don’t or can’t provide for her properly. Like I don’t deserve her, or even her beauty in my life. Sometimes she looks at me certain ways and I just feel compelled to beg for her forgiveness. Such deep seeded agony is a liability to my performance of capable fatherhood. I’m sorry to always feel so woefully unprepared.

Violet turned One and is getting big. WOW. She’s still so tiny though. I worry all the time about her fascinating little bones and joints. Last night she got a little annoyed while she was sleeping because I kept checking to make sure everything was positioned properly for comfort. I love her and can see that I will have trouble letting my little bird fly and it’s important that I remain aware of that. She is communicating clearer everyday. Today was another “first” when she wanted up and out of her walker. She walked up to her mother, lifted her arms and waved her hands. When she sees that her message is understood, the happiest most satisfied rosebud grin spreads across her beyond cute little face.We had an old friend of Melanie’s stay with us for a couple nights over New Years, and my god how Violet put on a show. At the risk of sounding like a ridiculous parent, She is REALLY good at peek-a-boo. It was such a trip to watch because she has only ever played with her Mommy or Daddy and to see her play with someone she just met was mind blowing. It wasn’t just THAT she played it was HOW she played. She varied her peeks all the way between big reveals to just one coy, grinning eye- and giggling the entire time. Such large personality in such a small frame. Personality– that’s just it. She is A PERSON. I have a WIFE, that I made A PERSON with… ME. That’s CRAZY.

That italicized digression is a prime example that the details of my life haven’t quite sunk in yet. Which is weird. Maybe it’s just because so much has happened in such a short time, and I just need more to process it. If that’s true I wish it would hurry up and sink in so that I can get on with actually fully enjoying my life. Or maybe it’s just supposed to feel that way. Maybe it’s just life and it’s not the remarkable big deal that the media makes it out to be. No, I doubt that because I try to never let the media influence my personal judgment on validity of anything. And maybe my subconscious judgment of ME is that I don’t feel deserving those great things, so I have to try extra hard to work and earn them, eventually stressing out to the point of break down. God, what a sad dysfunction… I started out writing this in a spirit of gratitude. But that has quickly changed into a spirit of penance. Bummer.

I think I know what the problem is though. I think the problem is that I just need to feel like a fully actualized person, in order to be a fully capable husband and father. The extra details and interests about me that I have and want to bring to the table, for Violet to learn that she can do the same of her own choosing, to find unquestionable strength in her own identity. Instead of the personal doubt that I find in mine and cripples me shamefully. I know I bitch about this stuff a lot but, I think feeling like a fully actualized husband, father, stepfather, teacher, and homeowner, means feeling like an actualized writer and artist.

But taking time to do that means taking some time away from those important roles. The line of balanced sacrifice seems imperceptibly thin sometimes. Does it get easier? Because that hasn’t been the trend for the last couple of years. As a man, I have had virtually no guidance while continuously assuming multiple life-time roles in the last two to three years. Those family roles are hard things to do, made even harder by feeling alone in them. Because of that, I have begun to suspect that a grown man has no friends and is happy anyway. A grown man never gets what he wants and is happy anyway. A grown man doesn’t let anything upset him or stress him out because he is always happy anyway. Maybe a grown man is just a big powerful dumb robot with a handle bar mustache, a broom in one hand, and a hammer in the other. Just point and click that son of bitch in the desired direction, and off he goes. Roles be damned it’s all the same. Problem solved. Everybody’s happy and he can’t enjoy a thing because he’s always happy anyway…. No. the truth is, I am not a robot. I am a man and I have to reconcile this chronic state somehow, because  it’s already taking time away from my family.

I guess you’ll be seeing more posts… or at least a radioactive Russian boar-man.

C.

 

 

 

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Posted by on January 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Violet Pirate Pugs…

Hello there true believer… and how does this post find you? I just thought I would touch base with anyone out there that may be listening, as it has been a few weeks since my last post. I had been writing, but I never bothered to post because the things I was writing about were difficult to keep aloft on a positive wind. It all just kept gravitating to the negative and no matter how I tried to dress it up, it was always an ugly maid in a pretty dress with a decent vocabulary, which in the end is just an ugly maid. SO, I scrapped it this morning and I am starting a new post. Which was kind of remarkable because it was a rather large and well written post. I must admit that I did not anticipate the difficulty of writing in a constantly positive tone. I’ve made the mistake in the past of intentionally and unintentionally disparaging others in my writing which has only served to double my grief at the time. I write this blog as an outlet for my feelings but it’s difficult if those feelings are negative ones because then I am reduced to either vague and cryptic posts, or forced and inauthentic. That’s a balancing act I haven’t completely figured out yet. But today things are pretty rosy so I thought I would send a documentary message in this digital bottle and cast it forth on the ever growing waves of the world wide web.

Since my last post the last hours of summer crept away and fall has begun to settle in. The nights and mornings are brisk with glowingly temperate afternoons and evenings. I am putting another year to bed soon as my 35th year approaches. Halloween should be interesting as it will be our first year in a legitimate neighborhood to pass out candy. We initially planned to decorate the house to the 9’s with Halloween gusto. But it looks we may have to save the enthusiasm (as well as our money) for Christmas and Violet’s arrival.

We had a doctor’s appointment this morning and Violet is developing nicely within the confines of Melanie’s womb. Both girls are growing at an alarming rate that has consistently measured a week ahead of schedule. Melanie’s belly has taken on animation independent of her command- fluctuating and stretching as we watch wide eyed on the couch at home. Violet has just now entered the period of rapid fetal growth as now she is about to double or even triple in size in the span of about a month. The doctor said she is about 29 weeks along which only gives us about 6 weeks to get all of her provisions in order. This weekend we are hoping to get her diaper bag together and ready to roll at a moments notice for her arrival.

Speaking of new arrivals, we also brought home a new dog last weekend. She is a little fawn colored pug girl named Polly and she just turned 3 years old. 644329_636398763047002_111236987_n1381200_636398449713700_379803873_n

Polly serves as Gracie’s bookend as Gracie is our 4 year old black pug.

Obtaining Polly was a bit of adventure because we went through a rescue organization that coordinates adoptions and foster homes. It would have been a cake walk but the lady that was fostering Polly was NUTS and woefully unprepared to turn her over without a struggle. I’ll leave the report of that exchange at that, as I feel anything further would just be negative reflection. However, we also had the chance to dress Gracie up in a pirate costume because the rescue organization was hosting a pirate themed “Puggerfest” and they had a costume contest.

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Gracie didn’t win or even place for that matter, but it was still a pretty fun time, minus the near stabbing and pepper spraying from Polly’s foster mom in the parking lot.

I admit this post is rather void of the usual brooding introspection, but I just wanted to document a few things before they zip on by like so much life. I’m thinking about starting and maintaining a tandum continental blog for the fiction I have quietly been tinkering with. I don’t really have much of a place for it on this blog without completely redesigning the site on my own and I really want people to read it. But aside from all that, I don’t have much else to report or reflect upon. I have a feeling I will muster a more meaty post next week though. But until then true believer, fight the good fight, and keep it between the ditches! Talk to ya later.

C.

 
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Posted by on October 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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