So, jumping right into it, I suppose I should acknowledge my sin of lameness that I committed last week while writing and posting in haste. Last week’s most recent post crossed a cheesy line. I should have thought more about it before posting it because when I began I didn’t set out with the sole intent of writing to my unborn child for all the world to see. Because it raises the question, “If it was really for the baby, and not for all the world to witness and feed my massive ego by marveling at my brave and candid “sensitivity” then why post it in the first place? Which is a very, very, good question… To be honest with you, I didn’t feel like there was any audience there in the first place so I didn’t think it would matter and I have to admit that line of thinking was naive and in itself rather egocentric. But you gotta understand, I’m going through a personal soul searching process that kinda freaks people OUT, man.
I’ve got so much to do. SO much to think about. I’ve mentioned it before but it’s very important to me that I see my commitments through. Of the self help fatherhood reading material I have been going through. I’m finding that the most important thing is setting an example of consistency. Consistent consistency. I’m going to make mistakes, yes. And I should be prepared to accept that. But evidently, as long as I try to be consistent, I can forgive myself and be forgiven of those mistakes just a little easier. So I have to be consistent. However, I can’t help but wonder if the odds of my successful example of consistency are stacked against me. I mean, I grew up the same as about half the population of Oklahoma, with the husks and carcasses of old tractors and automobiles casually littered in neighbors yards, fostering teaming wasp nests and tangles of vines, accentuated with old faded beer cans bleached by YEARS in the sun. Even I myself have a broken down scooter in my garage that has yet to be fixed and returned to its once running form, and it’s been that way for almost a year now! (It needs a new muffler, muffler pin, and probably needs the fluids flushed and replaced.)
I used to have a pretty solid following on facebook, but I burnt out on maintaining that after I got married. The ego feed didn’t seem fair to my obligation to communicate clearly with my wife, Melanie. Plus by the time I walked away from regular hourly posts of self indulgent wit accompanied with an audio file or song by some obscure punk band, it had become so much less about saying anything honest, and more about a shameful and childish need for attention. It all turned out to be just some form of digital pollution. And I honestly wonder if this exercise isn’t far off from that. Anyway, I told myself and my wife when I started this blog that it would be a venue for me to get some writing chops back in fighting form and to tell a story I’ve been working on and showcase some art for it. (Continental Boy is the name of the main character) But all I’ve ended up doing so far is sharing self indulgent confessions of my current life struggles. So right there is another huge inconsistency that I have already begun. So I’m not sure what to do because while I probably only have a handful of readers now, I’m thankful for them and don’t want to confuse them by posting sequential chunks of fiction. I’ve got to be consistent… even for my own personal goals. I need my kid to see me accomplish something in this midwestern sandbox we’re stuck in, not only so they have a reason to be proud of their father, but more so they feel capable of doing the same for themselves.
So… I’m not sure what to do about what I should post on here. Creative fiction? Or real time updates? That being said… Melanie and I have our appointment for an ultrasound this friday and with a little luck we will learn the sex of our baby. Honestly, I’ve become so impatient for this appointment and knowing how he/she is developing, that I don’t even care what the gender or sex is anymore. As long as it is genetically and chromosomally healthy and sound. BUT, once we know what we’re having, we’re going to go buy it’s first set of little clothes! YEAH! That’ll be fun. (I doubt we’ll be having any sort of shower beyond my own parents gushing, but that’s actually kind of ideal.) It’s developed a pattern of kicking and punching around inside mamma right before bed every night and I have tried to play back by feeling it and speaking to it a little. I find myself laughing much heartier and more often lately and while the laughter is entirely sincere, I wonder if I am subconsciously trying to provide a happy ambiance for the little bugger. But whatever the case, the little person has been heavy on my prayers for it’s health, and if you are reading this, I can only hope you will think to include us in your prayers as well.
Welp, I suppose that’s it for this installment of the Continental Blog… Take care. Maybe I’ll figure out more about what I should post on here next week. PLUS we might know what we’re having!… anyway, here’s one for old times sake.